Letter from a Retired Activist
To Every Cause that I have Suffered for:
I know that we are supposed to meet at 5:00 at the protest, but I must tell you why I will not be there. I will not be there, because I have come to know that without prioritizing my health and healing, I will come bringing you things that do not serve you.
If I come with a cold, surely I will compromise your immune system. If I come taking responsibility for you, surely I will compromise your own capacity to trust your indwelling wisdom. If I come valuing you more than my own life, surely we will both have our potential compromised, because everyone is needed. If I come to you intoxicated with the possibility that serving you is my healing, that my healing begins and ends with you-I am heavy as you attempt to lift me to my feet. If I come to save you, because I do not trust the power of God within you, surely I have devalued you and treated you like a child and how can a child fight the wars of poverty, deforestation and health disparities? If I come bearing boxes with gifts layered in good intention tissue paper, so I can validate myself as a gift bringer, than there is no reciprocity. When there is no reciprocity, than surely the gifts are not sustainable, because you are always put in the position of a receiver and me the giver and we live, create and work in power dynamics that undercut the roots of a potentially prosperous and impactful tree. If I come bringing the light, because I assume you don't have any or your light does not shine as brightly as mine, then we both sit in the dark and how can we see each other- our strength, our possibility in the dark?
So, my sweet cause, I am not coming to the protest, because you deserve more than a martyr, a wounded warrior. I am not coming to the protest, because there is an internal war that I must settle. I am not coming to the protest, because I need to sit still and understand what I am bringing to you and why. Don't worry love, I will not leave forever. I cannot, because I was born to serve. I am simply retiring from activism in the current incarnation. I am just looking out my window to see if there is a possibility where you and I can co-exist without you becoming my identity or a mask for a wound. Yes, I am looking for another way. Yes, I am searching my forest to know what is growing there, so that we both may get housed, fed and nurtured. When I return, I will come for you and we will dance, celebrating each other in present time.
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